I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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