I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
