Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
