So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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