She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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