Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
