hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
