I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
