I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
