Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
