I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
