Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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