A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
