Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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