Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
