She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
