i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
