I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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