Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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