Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
