I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
