Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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