New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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