I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
