That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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