Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
