Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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