when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
