Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
