just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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