You're my little dorito
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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