I accidentally had phone sex last night
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
