I wish I could teleport
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
