what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We have started to decorate penises.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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