i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize