My first STD was from a foam party
Quick, to the slutcave!
nutella sex= disaster
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
