The maid of honor just puked.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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