Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
