Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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