Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
did i walk over a car last night?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
