At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
