My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize