why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize