Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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