Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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