Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize