The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
