hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
