doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
