I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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