Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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