$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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