I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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