my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
