Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
