she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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