You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
